This is a tough post to write. Work has been very difficult for over a week now, claims are coming in like there's no tomorrow. We had more claims come in last week than we normally get in a year. I'm working very long hours, i'm stressed, tired and worn out. I gave myself a day off today because if I didn't I would be going into meltdown.
Apart from the nightmare i'm having at work dh and I have decided to separate. This is not a decision I have made lightly and long term readers of my blog will know that things have been far from perfect for a long time. He will be gone by tomorrow, i'm not sure where he's going or even what i'll be doing - I have so much on my plate right now and this is really bad timing, but in saying that I have thought about this from every angle and I have thought long and hard about the implications and have come to the conclusion that the only person that I can rely on is me, and that's how it has to be. I can give my son a good life - I get paid fairly well for what I do - although a payrise wouldn't go astray - and I won't stop dh from seeing DS but I don't know what i'll do when he's not around, my child is the absolute love of my life and I will be very lost without him. I'm hoping that won't happen too often as dh works most weekends and isn't able to travel all the way to the daycare that DS goes to everyday.
dh wants shared care but i'm not happy about that, I don't want to fight with him, I guess I just want him to agree to doing everything my way, which I realise is selfish but that's just how i'm feeling right now.
I probably won't be blogging for a while, I may even start a new blog for my new life as a single parent. Who knows. I haven't been commenting on or reading your blogs as when I get home I have to sort out my gorgeous little ds and i'm way too tired to get on the computer and I have no spare time at work right now.
So that's whats happening right now. As sad as it is, I think a new chapter in my life has just begun and i'm feeling eerily relieved. Like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I've given dh so many chances in the past and he's really blown it this time. I can't go around the same track again, I have to change direction and look after myself and my beautiful son.
I'm scared, i'm lonely and i'm very sad, but I have hope for the future and a happier life for all of us.
Ciao ...
My progress
14 comments:
I'm sorry to hear what you're going thru. I didn't know that you and dh had problems but I'm a relatively new reader to your blog.
Hang in there, it will get better, I know it will, it will just be tough for a while. Don't quit blogging if you can. We, out here in blogland would like to be some source of support if you need it.
((hugs))
Hey Bri.. I have been thru it...I understand the thoughts you have at the moment... Biggest hugs to you my darling friend... take care and you know where I am if you want to call/chat/email anything... but plz dont dissapear from blog world... we would all miss you very much ...
Oh Bri, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. Clearly you have given this a great deal of thought, and as you have said, it hasn't just happened overnight. This is new territory, so it's completely normal to be a bit nervous about how things are going to turn out.
Your son is so lucky to have parents who both want him and can only benefit from so much love. A couple of weeks ago friends and I were talking about being part of the divorce generation (perhaps as opposed to the generation before when unhappy parents just stayed together regardless of how miserable they were and it made others), and we all said that the best thing was when parents encouraged their kids' relationships with their other parent's family. My mum did some very wrong things by my dad, but that he can put that aside, regardless of how much it must hurt him, only makes me think more of him. The people I was discussing this with had parents separate before their birth and at five, 16 and 22 years (me), and our thoughts were identical on that front.
Hang in there, and don't forget to rely on your friends, they're there for times like this.
Oh Bri, I'm so sorry to hear this. Big big hugs to you, gorgeous chick, and lots of love and strength to get you (and DS) through the adjustment period of this big change!!
We are here for you to offer support in whatever way we can, even if it is to just to remind you to be kind to yourself and keep that chin of yours up xxx
Hi Bri, I didn't realise you were having problems but just want to say that sometimes you just have to do what your heart feels is right. I've been down the same track but my children were teenagers, but for me it was the right decision and I have never regretted it. Like the others I would hate you to disappear altogether, and if you need another shoulder email me on anni.porter@gmail.com. You'll be fine I'm sure and I wish you all the love in the world as you start this new, scary but exciting chapter in your life.
Take care
Love
Z xxxx
Good luck, hope everything goes smoothly and easily. It's such a hard time but it's not all bad as a single parent - much easier than trying to cope with a child and a bad relationship, I reckon.
Talk to you soon.
Oh babe, I am so sad to read this and not for the decision but for everything that comes with it. I don't like seeing my friends sad. I can understand the relief though and I know you would have thought long and hard before making this decision. Hang in there chook, the main thing is that you're both going to be there for DS and while DS is with DH, you can really start working on yourself too. Thinking of you babe and lean on your friends!
x
Oh Bri, I am so sad for you... but as you must have given this decision much much thought I am sure you are doing the best for yourself and your wee man. I hope the transition goes smoothly, I will miss your posts.... I really really hope you are ok. All the best sweetie, I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, cry, bitch and moan.... I have been there too, only I left with 4 wee kids in tow, so I do know how it feels.
Hey gorgeous. I am so sorry to hear you have been put in a place where you had to make a decision like this. I hope and pray you and DS can make a smooth transition to this new part of your life. IIt's not something that happens overnight but still may be a bit of a shock to your system when all is said and done. We are all here for you hun! Hugs and Kisses.
Hey Bri...
As you said... a weight is lifted. You have to look after yourself and DS.
As Dr Phil says:
It is better for a child to come from a broken home then to live in one.
So by separating, I'm sure you are doing the best for your DS.
You must be flat out with work... and I'm surprised you've had time to write any posts.
Now is the time to take care of yourself. Blogging is great to let off steam but don't feel obliged to post just for your blogging friends. When the dust has settled - we will all be here waiting for your updates!
Hugs to you. If there is anything I can do... you know where I am.
Love you lots,
Jodie
Sending you big hugs my sweet. You have my email and mobile number if you ever want to talk about anything.
Hugs to bub
Kim
Oh Bri, I'm in tears reading this. I can relate though. I did that when my son was 4 years old. I had to.. for my sanity. I actually had a good time on my own and I really 'found myself'. I know that sounds corny. But Before the split I didn't know where I started and whihc part of me was my mother, which was me accomodating my husband, which part of me was lost - I just didn't know. 2 years later we got back together and had a very happy 15 years together...though this year is challenging for us as you know. I don't know if my relationship will last either.
Being a single mum is tough, but you will do fine. whether you start a new blog or just keep this one going into a new stage of your life, I think blogging will be great for you as you adjust.
You have a big readership and they are all awesomely supportive people.
Give yourself time Bri. Then work out some basics. Don't let you weight go over xxKG. Save xx per week. It sounds like you and little-ones Dad are being sensible, but IF it gets icky, please keep a diary of his behaviours, of when he shows up to pick up your son, what the agreement is, if your son comes back on time, fed and so on. It might be really important. But try hard to bring out the best Dad in him, the best reasonableness - and your beautiful son will be all the better for it. Agree to never diss each other in front of your child.
I'm always here for you.
I'm sorry about the timing!! That sucks.
Sorry to hear this Bri. I'm sure all will work out for the better. Big hug and thinking of you x
Sad news, Bri, but hopefully you can both resolve the separation smoothly and get on with this new phase in your life.
Bet you're having lots of sleepless nights?
My thoughts are with you
xx
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